27. Nanowrimo 2008

So, I only got to 10687 words, which is of course even worse than last year... ah well. I still haven't figured out what happens in the last half of this story.
I titled the story Quiet the Voices. Here's a summary (although what I've written for the story doesn't quite match what I wrote for the summary, it gives you an idea of where the story was going.)
--- Almichaeli's college professor and mentor has come to him with a problem. In his research to destroy the segregation between those with 'voices' and those without, he has removed the 'voices' from his own mind. Mike attempts to keep Bob from slipping into the typical (non-voice) depression and drugs while he and Tasha attempt to continue Bob's research, despite being watched by the government.

And here are two of my better scenes (one is currently at the beginning, the other about halfway through.):

It was cold that night, Tasha had walked the four blocks to work like normal and now she was wishing she had not. Home might be close, just around the corner, but her thin brown jacket did not keep the wind from getting under her skin.
"Hey, Tasha!"
She stopped, startled, and turned to face the voice. Her neighbor, Sid, sat in his fancy black car with his fancy black suit and pulled his fancy black briefcase off of the seat beside him.
"Here, let me give you a ride. You look like you are about to be blown back to where you started."
"Thanks!" She shivered.Her reliable white nurse shoes crunched over the leaves as she stepped off the curb and walked around.
"I cannot believe how fast fall is flying by. This jacket is not near heavy enough."
"Do you really think it is safe to be walking this late at night?"
"Well…"
"I mean, I assume you may have chosen this neighborhood, like I did, for it is safety record, however, a young woman such as yourself really should not walk alone after dark. That is my view in any case." He smiled kindly, indicating he was not considering her dumb for doing what he would not advise. His shiny white teeth annoyed her however. Sid was just too polished.
"I agree really. One day you have plenty of time to get home before it is too dark and the next it was too dark hours ago. I need to start driving. It is such a waste of gas for such a short distance."

~*~

"Dr. McGee."
"Ms. Ralt."
"What brings you here today? Another conspiracy theory?"

Idan bit his tongue. He had once tried to tell Ms. Ralt a story, when he was really nervous and not thinking clearly obviously. This had backfired into the closest thing to a joke Ms. Ralt ever said. The story was meant to be funny, playing on the fact that in this job it was rather plain to see that most conspiracy theories were based on truth.

"Not today Ms. Ralt. Today I have information on a couple people losing their voices, and the fact that one does not seem to be affected."

"That's nonsense!"

"You remember Sidney Burnell."

"Ah yes, the idiot that cannot drive. It is such a waste of money to fix such people. Why cannot they just crash and die?" She paused. "So, it cannot be him. There would be no need to fix him if he were not affected."

"No... it is his neighbor who was in the car with him at the time."

"Wait, let me look this up in his records.
"Ms. Ralt snapped her fingers outside her door and a small squinty-eyed man rushed over from his cubicle.

"I need the employee record for Mr. Sidney Burnell. Yesterday."

"Yes Ms. Ralt." Away he rushed.

"Dr. McGee." She turned back his direction and inwardly he cringed. "How did you come across this information?"

"Mr. Burnell called me a few months ago and told me he was having a few problems adjusting still, and felt there was things that he needed to talk over with someone. I did inform him that if I felt he had something to discuss he would rather the government not know, he should not come to me because I was required to pass the information on. He did not feel it would be an issue. I'm not sure why he felt that, because I do feel slightly uncomfortable with passing this information on."

"But you believe it to be important?"

"Yes, I do. The reason I find it more important has to do with a report from the mental hospital. This same neighbor has changed jobs to this facility, especially to care for a Dr. Robert Gibbs, Professor of Psychology at the state university. Have you read of him recently?"

Ms. Ralt pursed her lips. "No, should I have?"

"I think you would find it pertinant to the information I just passed on."

"All right. I suppose after I have refreshed my memory on these two men I will call you to explain in further detail why this is important to me."

"Good. I will be ready."

"Dismissed."

Idan quickly left the office, and leaned against the wall. His heart had been beating much too hard and it was a great relief to be out of there, even if just for a short while. He hoped he had made the right decision... but it was too late now if it was not.

~*~

26. Thanksgiving

So, Marshall was going to write a list of little things on his blog that he was thankful for, and I was inspired to write a few things down.
My list is not nearly as long (I didn't get back to it after the first day.) and a lot of my thank-yous are a bit conditional, but here they are anyhow.
(I didn't have time to post them on Thanksgiving.)

I am thankful to God...

.... that the station wagon decided to die after my parents traded cars with me (dad has gotten it to start again now, although it seems the starter might be dying... and the brakes are almost gone).

.... that I have a job (even if I don't care for working with people ... the job is stretching me and I'm getting somewhat friendlier.)

.... for a roommate who keeps everything nice and neat, but doesn't freak out if I don't do my dishes right away.

.... for having enough stuff that I don't really know what I want for Christmas (well, except for stuff no one else can afford either.)

.... for the way Katia and I arranged the living room and the picture we both love as a finishing touch.

.... for Taco Bell being a good landmark when telling people how to get to the apartment.

.... that my family gets along fine.

.... that I found one of my waterbottles before I lost the other one.

.... that I have the bigger bedroom and my own bathroom (like I said, I have lots of stuff.)

.... that I get to see people I know all the time when they shop at Walmart (the best part of my job!)

.... for my purse spoon, I never guessed how much I'd use it when I picked it up.

.... that the station wagon cleaned up without too much work.

.... that I don't have to do the sunday school tags or run slides during service anymore (although I do like to think I was better at running the slides, I really like being able to think about what what I'm singing or listening to instead of thinking about when to change the slide.)

.... for a fairly easy year in Awana, that I have one returning leader and one new one (although I dearly miss Shirley).

.... for a newer coworkers comment that she feels more comfortable around me than most of the other cashiers.

.... that Gem found a job, even if it's only part time and won't help much with her resume. (She will be a little less stressed.)

.... that Ian is doing well in school.

.... that I'm no longer addicted to chatting (even if that's partly because no one I used to chat with is online and I've started wasting time other ways online.)

.... for the people I hug almost every week at church... and being told by them that I give good hugs.

.... for people who tell me my hair is beautiful (even if they have a tendency to tell me when it needs washing).

.... that there is less traffic when I have to go to work way too early.

.... for Ealon (having ones own language/ code thing feels cool, even if nobody else can read it).

.... that I can sing/ listen to Christmas music all year (and that I can turn it off when I'm tired of it).

.... that there are more people in the college/ young adult group (even though I really miss the old dynamics of the group.)

.... for having a washer and dryer in the apartment.

.... for parents who let me use their washer and dryer, their car, and just plain for not kicking me out when I wasn't ready.

.... that Kelli said I always have funny answers when playing Balderdash.

.... that even though I wish I weren't single, I'm willing to wait and I won't give up my values in finding him.

.... that God loves me even when I'm not sure if actually I love Him.

.... that I have coats when I'm cold.

.... that I haven't died of ink poisoning as Lele keeps telling me is going to happen.

.... for someone else cooking on Wednesday evening and Sunday afternoons.

.... for Bob, who almost always does snack and cleanup on Wednesday nights. For the guys in the college group, who somehow manage to do more of the cooking and cleaning than the girls... and who are pretty good examples of good men.

.... for Ginny, the cutest one in the group (hope she doesn't get too spoiled!)

.... for when Lele and I get to talk... for when she has time to hang out with the group.

.... for Kale growing up and being way less annoying than he was!

.... for my kitty blanket being warm and heavy... perfect to sleep or cuddle with.

.... for mom not wanting to be like her mother when she's old (much as we love her).

.... that my bed is okay in comfort (as long as I sleep in it upside down).

.... for Lein getting Lawrence's job because (I think this is the plan anyway...) him, Risa and Ginny will move closer. (Although I can't imagine Lawrence not being there all the time!)

.... for Bethany, my pretend little sister who makes me feel special by calling me mean names like 'monkey' and dragging me around the church.

25. Happy Birthday to Me!

I don't know how I got to be so old so fast!
That is, I'm still only 27, so I've possibly many more years left... but 27 sounds so old. By 27, wasn't I supposed to be married and have a couple kids, maybe an interesting job... what happened?

Although, somewhere along the way I think I stopped believing I was going to get older. Maybe that's part of my problem, I'm still stuck back in my teens, and with time going by so much faster (why? I mean, it really goes the same speed, so why does it go so much faster when you're older?) I'm having a hard time catching up.
The older I get though, the more I realize that people older than me don't feel like they are as old as they are either. I had this discussion with one of my customers a couple months ago.

My dad tried to tell me on Sunday that I was still about 7 (which would make him 33.) I informed him that since I drive, have a job, and don't live at home anymore that didn't work... but he could claim I was still 17 if he wanted to.
Actually, it's disturbing to think that I'm old enough to have kids that are 7!

Yeah, so that's my thoughts for today... except, Thank You God that I am still alive at 27!

24. Job 1:8

Job 1:8
Then the LORD said to Satan, “Have you considered My servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, one who fears God and shuns evil?”

"Have you considered My servant Job." "Have you set your heart on My servant Job." These are a bit different, most of my Bibles say considered. "Set your heart on My servant..." does Satan have a heart? I think not? It is hard to imagine God saying that there is none like a person, none on earth so upright.

Lord, I know that I am not like Job, but I would like to become as he was, an upright woman, blameless in Your eyes, one who fears You Lord, and one who always shuns/ has nothing to do with evil. God, I keep messing that up. Forever it seems I am giving in to evil, I'm sorry. Please help me strengthen my gates and build up my walls against the evil one. If I could totally feel Your presence, I think I could stand firm against the devil, but "we walk by faith, not by sight," so my request instead is that You increase my faith.

<-- Job 1:6-7                                                                                                                        Job 1:9 -->

23. Nanowrimo

So, I tried Nanowrimo last year as mentioned in my conversation with Marshall under post 19. I am trying again this November, unsure yet of my story so I won't tell what it is. I thought I'd give you a glimpse of last years story though. It's a fairy tale, mostly based on snow white with mish-mashed bits of others in it. Also, pardon my... (I forget what word I want.) the way I phrase things. I'm sure it's noticable in my blogs, but it's even more noticable in my unedited fiction. I don't speak that way so I don't know why I write that way. Also, I just randomly picked names, so... yeah.

I know there’s been many fairy tales, and some of them claim to be rightly true, but sometimes we can just tell they aren’t. I make no claims; you may judge for yourself if my tale is truth. It begins long ago in a land far, far away (as it must), and hopefully ends happily ever after, but I cannot give away the end before the full beginning.

Long ago in a land far away there ruled a beloved king and queen. If this is a surprise to you, remember that this tale might be quite old, and more oft than not, if the rulers are generally good and just, the wrongs will be forgotten and they will be remembered as beloved. So it was with King Bob and Queen Marilynn. The citizens of this small kingdom, which we shall call ___ (no sense telling where, else you figure whether this tale be truth or tall), have long forgotten the tragedy in favor of the beloved memory.

King Bob and Queen Marilyn wanted a child and after many years of waiting they had a daughter. As many kings and queens are to do throughout history, they avoided inviting the person they should have never skipped. The evil wizard The Great “peter”.
He arrived before the party began, just barely, as you watched out the castle tower you could see the man pushing through the crowds on his horse. Just as he arrived, minutes ahead of the crowds, he forced the gates closed and rode into the throne room alone.
“All hail the stupid king. Good morning madam.” He bowed.
“Four leaf clovers and whimpering dogs! What are you doing in my castle!”
“To curse the cursed, to bless myself, and all in all to rid the world of a grand family such as yourself.
“Cursed to wander, cursed to roam, this place shall never again be your home. Your child, though small she be, will walk in circles for eternity.”
So, though known only for a short time in this story, the king and queen were remembered with love. Their daughter the wizard locked in a tower. She shall enter our story again after a while...

A bit strange, eh? And kind of hard to see how snow white fits in. Any guesses? There are dwarves, woodsmen, mines, an evil queen, a magic mirror and a princess in a glass coffin. Promise. Not that you're likely to ever see any of it. :)

22. Stnj Ensacq

Pehot ai alaf kail itarmluj ui Ealon. Wa'ai otu itarmluj uhe-ytlug rtyom eparluj, wisarod ai. It onh nraigf nto etym isyt zehs, esalad atl aw omuk. If nlpom aq oloc it aouaows sala amuk etym ai esm ehsluj. If zi lexarluj, avaromy, of itarm zrpom etyt euam ylugotu of ouauhe ntq onh. Lam, dosands ai etyt onh uto'p lhaer raec upe syim isyt esm arvo, zo, tilun tarel... Pqhaog.

21. Job 1:6-7

Job 1:6-7
Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came among them. And the LORD said to Satan, "From where do you come?"
So Satan answered the LORD and said, "From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking back and forth on it."

These "sons of God" come to present themselves, why did Satan come among them, and why did God ask where Satan had come from?
God knows all things, therefore He knew from where Satan came, and why, assumably He also knows how and all the rest of the questions. With all the pacing Satan is doing it's a wonder the earth isn't worn clear through.
Lord, protect me please from the wondering path of the Adversary. Keep my path straight along Your road with my focus only on You. Give me the knowledge I need to answer questions about You, but let me keep relying on You for the answers because You are the answer. Lord, increase my faith and help me to hold fast to my trust. Let me walk always in Your way.

<-- Job 1:4-5                                                                                                                                Job 1:8 -->

20. September

So...

I really didn't mean to not post in September. I keep forgetting how quickly time passes! I couldn't slip you any of my notes on Job for a while there either (just so it looked like I hadn't forgotten you) because I couldn't find the notebook it was in. Never fear though, I have found it today and you shall suffer again in the near future! [Evil laugh]

I might tell you about the details of my September vacations if I get around to it later, but for a short summary of the month: Awana started (I began a post on this, but obviously didn't finish.), BSF also started (studying The Life of Moses this year), the college group at church went on a camping trip, then there was women's retreat the next weekend, and for my sister's birthday we went to the coast the last weekend.

I don't know that I have ever been gone from my church that many weekends in a row! Wonder if anyone missed me? It's nice to be home (wasn't really feeling quite so lonely this month, was ready for a day off by myself.)

19. Friends, or Lack Thereof

[I've edited this post because, well, it served it's purpose at the time: it made me feel better after complaining to the great unknown and I even got to chat with Marshall, but, well, I don't really feel as strong as I felt this day the majority of the time, so here's the less lonely version (which is still a little stronger than I usually express my feelings, but I guess it's good to speak your mind on occasion.]

Sometimes I really hate days off. I mean, I look forward to them all week, but... well, what do you do with days off? Today I did: nothing.
Some days I don't mind doing nothing (watching TV, reading a book, etc.), but sometimes I really want to do something (not sure what something is.) Last time I felt this way I got lucky. I was housesitting for my aunt and uncle and my cousin came home for the weekend. He invited me to go watch the batman movie with him and his friends.
Today... my roommate is gone for the weekend (not that I usually do anything with her, but at least it's someone to say hi to)... and I have nothing to do (Well, technically I could vacuum and do dishes). It doesn't help that I have no money so I can't really go anywhere.
And I have no friends.
Okay, so I have friends, I've mentioned a few before, but no close friends. None of them call me, none of them invite me to do things. It's just, we're group friends, I'm part of the group... and nobody in the group is that talkative.
I hate talking on the phone, my intelligence level drops in half when talking on the phone. And yet, I wish people would call me. And yes, I realize maybe I should call someone... but who? I really don't know. They all have other friends they do things with, or they're always really busy with school and such.
My old roommate, Caitie, despite being my best friend (whatever that really means), never calls me and probably doesn't miss me since she has a boyfriend now.
I don't know if it's me, everyone else, or just God saying wait... I'm really tired of being lonely, but I don't know how to fix it.
I don't believe in leaving where I am just for the stupid selfish reason that I might find friends or love somewhere else.
I'll probably be happier tomorrow, when I'll see most of my group friends, and all the other people at church that I love.
But still, what good are days off if I always spend them alone?

18. Family Trips

This summer my family drove up to visit some of our relatives. I haven't been on a car trip with them for a while, so it was a fond reminder of all those hated family trips. Most of my extended family lives in Washington (this being where my parents grew up), so most family vacations growing up consisted of driving to Washington. Happily, we were meeting the extended family at a campground 3 hours away instead of the 8 hours away that they live.

So... car trips. I'm sure you've experienced a few... telling younger siblings to stop singing because you want to listen to the music, only to have a hard time not singing yourself. The annoying feel of your brothers sleeve constantly brushing against your arm. How boring it all gets so that you desperately start looking for letters on license plates and signs to keep yourself entertained.

Well, there are a few things that are annoying even as an adult. The major one, now that I can drive it is certainly harder being a passenger! I admit, I don't really care for the way my dad drives. This isn't because he's a bad driver. After all, he's worked many years as a driver... but this also means that he's driven a lot by himself. He also tends to get mad at bad drivers, and if you're tailgating, he'll stomp on the brakes to get you to back off. It's very hard to stay asleep when the car jerks suddenly.

We also have assigned seating in the car, and my place sucks. Gem gets carsick (even still as an adult, just not near as bad), so she gets to sit up front. Dad drives of course. Mom sits up front in the middle (I think because she's smaller, and because she likes sitting next to dad). Ian has long legs, so he sits behind Gem, because her seat is normally not quite as far back as dad's (which makes it a bit awkward for mom in the middle, especially in this car which doesn't have a real seat behind the middle, just an arm-rest in up position). This leaves shorter me behind dad... so I have to lean one way or the other to see out. I don't get motion sick as easily as Gem, but I will if I'm not watching out the window. Then, dad is constantly putting his arm up on the window sill and taking it down, so if I'm watching that way, I have to lean the other way... and leaning means I end up putting my arms to sleep.

So... I sleep most of the way there and back, because otherwise I go crazy! The main problem with this is that my dad prefers to go up the back way, and that is closer to their house. So I'm the one that has to get up and drive over way too early (though with 4 people in the house with 1 bathroom vs 2 people with 2 bathrooms, I don't have to get up earlier than them), and then drive the half hour home, by myself, after sleeping (which can sure make it hard to stay awake while driving), at about 11 pm.

But, if it wasn't for the travel... it was really great to see my relatives since I haven't gotten to see some of them for quite a while.

17. Pens and Time Travel

I realized the other day that I couldn't go back in time. I'd go crazy!
I need my pens!
The smooth slide across paper (I couldn't do without paper either!)... there is something so satisfying about it, even if I have nothing to write. (There is oddly somewhat of the same satisfying feeling when typing.)
I imagined standing back in time (not sure when, my imagination is a little fuzzy in the history department) and needing to sign something. So I pull my pen out of my back pocket (why the fact that wearing jeans would stand out didn't cross my mind?) and they would ask (A lady and her 13 year old son and 16 year old daughter, and maybe a couple smaller children, the details weren't that clear) "What on earth is that?" And I would say a pen and reach out to write.
The paper would be pulled away and I'd end up drawing on my hand to show it was really just a pen. This would of course make them even more horrified (the father joining the group at this point.)
So, I would give in and put my pen away before it was stolen and burned and I couldn't have it anymore.
Then I'd turn the quill in several directions and have to ask how to use it. At which "mother" would shake her head and "brother" would laugh and "sister" would think I'm stupid.
After I finally slaughter my writing, cringing all the while at the scratch of the quill on the paper, they would all laugh at my abysmal penmanship which isn't really that bad.... I can read it fine anyway.
Anyhow... my favorite pen at the moment is Pilot Precise Grip (bold). They carried them at Walmart until a couple weeks ago. Argh! At least other stores still sell them. I admit, my favorite part about them (and my friend Frankie's too) is that they write really well on skin and it can take a while to wash off.
My cousin gave me one of her favorite pens, Staedtler liquid point 7 is what it says, dunno where she buys them. They don't write on skin well :( , but they are one of the least scratchy fine point pens I've used.
Pilot precise V7 is pretty good, though extra fine is too scratchy and you have to go to certain stores to get the fine tip.
But, there are lots of other good options out there. If you care about pens, I happened across these review sites: http://penaddiction.blogspot.com/ , http://www.penreview.com/ , and http://penquest.wordpress.com/ .

16. Job 1:4-5

Job 1:4-5
And his sons would go and feast in their houses, each on his appointed day, and would send and invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. So it was, when the days of feasting had run their course, that Job would send and sanctify them, and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all. For Job said, "It may be that my sons have sinned and cursed God in their hearts." Thus Job did regularly.

As the notes in my Bible mention, these siblings must have been close.
Lord, I do wish that my sister and I could be close and rid of this constant misunderstanding of each other.
In some ways verse five reminds me of those fathers who beat their kids for what they 'were going to do'. Job has a nice alternative. He's a loving father, he wants his family to be right with God.
Lord, when (or if) I'm a mother, I want to always take my children and their problems to you. I want them to recognize that just one little curse, especially against You, is a sin that leads to death. God, please cleanse me of my sins and make me pure in Your sight!

<-- Job 1:2-3                                                                                                                     Job 1:6-7 -->

15. Softball and Sun

I don't like sports. Actually, most the time I hate sports. (Especially watching... Soccer wasn't too bad to play in youth group, and tennis, badminton, volleyball or swimming can be fun if it isn't really competitive.)

But, I've managed to sit through a couple softball games that I enjoyed.
My grandma's ex-husband's granddaughter plays softball, and twice I've gone with my grandma to watch. Because I don't care for sports, that is certainly not the reason I went. I go because, one, my grandma is getting old enough that although she is capable, we still don't like her driving an hour and a half away by herself. And mostly, two, now that she's divorced, she gets much more lonely.

So, the first softball game was about two years ago, and the first time that I remember meeting this family. I don't recall if she won the game that time or not, the field was situated about eye level... which meant when the wind blows (and it was really blowing that day!)... well, we didn't watch the game quite so much.
This year it was hot, running around 100 I believe. So, we didn't really talk so much during the game. (I got a lovely sunburn... of course I knew I should put on sunscreen, and of course my grandma had some, but... I didn't. My forehead is peeling now. Yuck.)
I don't know how the girls played with so much heat, but they won, 5 to 3. This meant they got to play again at 6 instead of right away at 4. Grandma was trying to make me decide whether we were going to go home then or stay and watch the other game. We ended up going back to the hotel (air conditioning, yay!), and hanging out with the younger daughter while the others went back for the second game (which they lost... but there were still more games to play the next day). I have a couple interests in common with the younger girl, so it was fun talking with her. Afterwards we went out for pizza and then grandma made me drive home. (She often does when it's dark out. It's really weird driving her van, I'm used to a huge vehicle, but not used to sitting up so high.)
Well, that's all I have to say for today except that I wonder how long I'll remember what I understand about softball at the moment.

14. Job 1:2-3

Job 1:2-3
And seven sons and three daughters were born to him. Also, his possessions were seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen, five hundred female donkeys, and a very large household, so that this man was the greatest of all the people of the East.

...On the other hand, I don't want ten kids and eleven thousand animals or a large houshold. Thank you God that I don't have overwhelming amounts of people and animals relying on me. I am glad to not be the greatest of all the people in the east or west. I don't want to stand out. Lord, help me to want to stand out from the world, to shine for you so others can see You in me. Sometimes I need to remember I'm supposed to be an alien here, and even though standing out makes me uncomfortable, that is what I'm here for. Thank you God that no matter how I fit in here on earth, You still love me and want me to shine for You. Guide me in Your Will and increase my faith!

<-- Job 1:1                                                                                                                                Job 1:4-5 -->

13. Money and a Job

How do people pick jobs? Do I have to stay at Walmart forever? Argggh!
I mean, Walmart isn't as bad as I thought it would be, but still, I make just enough to cover my bills. According to my money program on the computer, in 10 years I might have saved $2000. Now, I admit that I could budget better, but not better enough that I'll be able to afford a new computer (mine is an 8 year old laptop, and is falling apart), or a newer car, and get my other two wisdom teeth out.

I suppose there is still the hope I'll find someone rich to marry.
Ha.

So, at least I have a job at the moment. I can't complain too much. I've been without a job more than I want to think about. And, I do have a lot more than a lot of people. (A room full of shelves, 13 banana boxes worth of books, a old and cracked but still usable computer, the use of a car, food and water, a roof over my head....) So, it's not like I'm really complaining. Basically, I'm just unsure if the rest of my life is going to be wasted not saving money and not doing a job I really like.
But I don't know what job I really want.
I can tell you some of the things I'm good at: organizing, typing, colors and words, listening, following directions, attention to details, learning, collecting data, working by myself
I can also tell you what I'm not good at: working quickly, sales (convincing people of things), being sociable, anything to do with phones, leading, numbers, making decisions that effect other people (being decisive in general), explaining, high pressure, mechanical, hard work, anything not structured or where I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing (at least to start out with), creativity
Got any suggestions of a good job for me?

I know, I keep telling myself that getting a different job is really so I can actually save money. (Who really wants to retire?) But, I can't help not wanting to get a job I won't enjoy. Honestly, with my wonderful social skills, I'm pretty sure nobody would hire me for a job I don't really want. (Which is why I'm working at Walmart- the person interviewing me was really nice and tricked me into being more talkative. I doubt that's gonna happen again.)

I have two years retail experience (too many people, help!), one or two years office experience (but most of those you have to use a phone and I hate phones), and tons of experience with kids (but I get tired of kids and I'm not sure what job I'd have with them anyway... not doing daycare and not good enough at explaining to be a teacher.)

If I was more decisive I might go into interior decorating. If I was more creative I'd write books. If I didn't need as much money I'd work for the church (our assistant secretary is retiring). If I was bolder I might go into missions. (I did want to be a missionary when I was little. What happened? Mostly I don't want to go somewhere far away alone!)

Honestly, I always thought I'd be married by now, stay at home and homeschool my three children. Ha! I'm 26. I've never been on a date in my life! I never meet new guys (unless you count the customers at Walmart). I work as a stupid cashier. I waste my time staring at the computer. And I keep forgetting to put God first. That's it. That's me. I don't know where I fit in this world.

12. Boring People

As I was thinking after Post 9: Boring, I remembered this discussion I had with a friend back in college about boring people and thought I'd post about it. I wrote it as a letter when I'd mentioned it to my cousin and she seemed to want to hear more about it. Hopefully you understand it... names aren't actually changed because I'm lazy and am not in contact with any of these people anymore anyway. :(
Written October 18, 2004:

Dear Sir or Madam:

I would like to take the time to inform you about a study planned on Boring People. It began while emailing with Adam during the fall of 2000.

I told Adam he was weird because he took one of his midterms just for fun and he asked why I thought he was weird (silly question). I replied that taking tests involved thinking (I was going through a thinking rebellion at the time), but assured him that my favorite people are all weird (as I was later quoted as saying to another friend, “If you’re not weird, something’s wrong with you!”).

He gave the decent reason that taking the test would help him know what the students in the computer science lab were facing being as he worked there. I responded that having a good reason didn’t make him less weird. He said, “I wouldn't want to be any less weird... I like being weird... it's fun, weirdness is a sign of uniqueness :)” To which I replied that anyone who is not weird may not be unique and is quite possibly boring. Adam said my response implied that I couldn’t stand boring people, which is where we began the discussion of boring people.

Jil- “And what good would boring people do us? I read somewhere recently that people who are bored a lot are possibly boring people. I sure hope not, because I get bored a lot!”

Adam- “We might be able to come up with some use for boring people...I mean they can't be useless can they? Whether or not you're possibly a boring person would depend on how you personally define "a lot", after all that word is kind of vague.”

I agreed that there must be something we could use them for and replied to his questioning of my use of the word “a lot”. “I guess maybe "a lot" is a little more than is really true for me, but not enough for boring people. And actually, it's not that I am truly bored most of the time. It is that I have so many things that I want/need to do, that I don't know what to do, so I do nothing!”

Adam decided that we could use boring people to do menial labor tasks but I replied that they might get even more boring. We discussed giving them exciting jobs and seeing if they would learn to be interesting/weird/unique, therefore in theory redeeming them from their boredom. I rebelled against the idea of theories, them being caused by thinking, but suggested we find some boring people to test the so-called theory on anyhow.

Adam- “Thinking isn't bad.... in order to be weird a certain amount of thought is required.”

The discussion on where to find boring people came next. Adam suggested the religion department, emphasizing the fact that there truly were boring people there. My suggestion was a dictionary/encyclopedia type store.
During the process of this a friend scared me by sending an instant message. I suggested that surprising boring people with instant messages when they weren’t expecting any might snap them out of their boringness. We both realized however that we did not know any people to chat with that were that boring. This caused the dilemma that neither of us could remember much of anybody boring at all (except said people in the religion department), but deciding that it was probably their loss and not ours.

As we thought over the people in the religion department, I made the comment “What would we do without them to bore us!” To this Adam replied, “We might actually start to bore ourselves… heaven forbid!” I had been thinking we might then have more fun, so this caused some heavy thought.

Jil- “I guess we wouldn't want to make the boring people too unboring! We better consider all the aspects before undertaking such an experiment. Hmm, I wonder if the boringness might be passed on to us if we attempt to get rid of it in other people!”

Adam- “An interesting thought! But how would we test this particular theory? First we would need people that would admit to being boring. How many people openly admit to being boring people?”

Jil- “I suppose we would have to watch people that might be boring and see if they really are. Of course, that is not a foolproof plan. I may have to think a while to come up with an answer to that.”

Adam- “Try not to think too long or too hard.”

Jil- “I wasn't planning on it. Thinking long and hard is quite possibly the first step to being boring. Hmm, maybe we could find someone who willing to help us test this. They wouldn't have to be boring to start out with! Of course, the results might not be the same as person boring from birth, but you take what you can get. See, you get an interesting person to do a lot of long, hard thinking until they turn boring. Then, wait awhile until they no longer lapse back into an interesting person every so often. After that, you can try making them not boring again!”

Adam- “If this is the case though and we have to make each interesting person boring, then research would take an awful long time. Do we have any theories which would provide for faster results?”

I could not figure out an answer to that question. “If we can find some already truly boring people then it wouldn't take so long. Maybe we should get a job researching this thoroughly. Then we could give excuses for taking as long as we want (or need) and we would be making money off of it.”

Adam however did not see a future in researching as something horribly exciting. “Sure,” he said,” You get lots of money, but you have to apply for all the grants, etc, and that's a lot of paperwork.” He also suggested that we change the subject because talking about boring things can get, well, a little boring after a while.

I agreed that the paperwork would not be an exciting aspect and that it was time to change subjects, but added that we would hire someone else to do the paperwork.

At a later date I informed Adam that if we were to ever experiment, we had a volunteer. I had been chatting with some other friends, but at one point commented that one of the guys, Collin, was not quite as creative as the rest of the people in the group. Collin replied that he was creative and I said, “That is good, or else you might be a good person to use in our experiment.” Brandon, another guy in the chat, then said that Collin was the perfect specimen. Collin agreed, although he had no idea what we were talking about.

At a later date I emailed Collin and asked if he still wanted to participate. I told him what the experiment would be about and he replied, “Well, that seems harmless enough. I'll participate if you want.” So, as I told Adam, “If we, or anyone else, ever decide to pursue the answer to these theories, Collin is the first person we should call.” Adam replied that it was always nice to have people volunteer for things they knew nothing about. After thinking about it for a few minutes and recalling the conversation between me and Brandon that had led up to saying Collin wasn’t as creative, I said that if I were Collin, I wouldn't want to be involved in any research I am conducting. To this Adam replied, “Yes, but you're not conducting any research... yet.... so for now he is safe.”

We also at one point discussed that Collin’s girlfriend may not believe he is boring and may object to him participating. Even thinking about it a bit more, I decided he wasn’t boring and therefore we would probably have to start with making him boring, or at least more boring. I also suggested maybe his girlfriend would agree to be in the experiment too. We also discussed the fact that people have different levels of weirdness depending upon whom they were talking to. Such as, Brandon and the others and I may not have been quite as strange in the conversation if Collin’s girlfriend had been involved, therefore Collin would not have been less creative, which means he may never have volunteered for the experiment had she been there.

As of this point in time I have maintained contact with neither Adam nor Collin, however it may not be impossible to find them. I believe Adam is not interested in such research, so I shall need to find another research assistant if I am to study Boringness. If I was to find Collin, most likely he is married and his wife would object to him being a specimen, so I am also in need of test subjects. In thinking back, David, also involved in the conversation with Brandon and Collin, may have been a better choice. He was, after all, from Boring, Oregon.

If there is anyway you could help it would be much appreciated.

11. Job 1:1

So, I was reading through an old notebook, and for the fun of it I'm going to harass you (as an old coworker was constantly saying) with my thoughts on Job. At one point I was writing my thoughts out a verse or two a day, though I stopped at Job 4:11. Mayhaps I shall finish it when I get there. It was enjoyable but took a lot more time than I seem to be willing to give God most days. I'm not certain what version of the Bible I was reading at the time, so I'll assume it was NJKV... I don't remember how long ago I wrote this either... at least 3 years.

Job 1:1
"There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was blameless and upright, and one who feared God and shunned evil."

I wish it could be said of me that there is a woman in the City of _____, whose name is (Jil); and that woman is blameless and upright, and one who fears God and shuns evil.
Well, up until my name, that might be correct, except the word woman seems too old and wise for me (yes, even 3 or more years later it still does!). Blameless, well, confessing and being forgiven my sins might make me such, but some days I'm not sure if I'm really sorry for them. I wholeheartedly wish I was however! Upright. Well, I'm not that great at standing up straight. What exactly is upright, what is the difference between it and blameless?
Blame- to hold responsibility. Upright- being in accord with what is right.
Lord, I want to walk in Your way, the right path. Please guide me in reverent fear and faith in You. Help me to shun evil and walk blameless and upright in Your sight. Give me a love for you that overflows to others.

Job 1:2-3 -->

10. New shelf

I have a new bookshelf. This is an important thing, though not quite as important as when I finally got my books back. I am a bit surprised I didn't blog about that.
When I had to move last October all my books were boxed up and stored (with everything else) at my Grandma's. I had 13 banana boxes of books. When I moved in with Katia in February, I left my books because until I had everything else put in it's place they would be in the way. Unfortunately, with various things happening, I wasn't able to get them until the end of last month! I missed my books!!
Back to the shelf- Grandma called this week and told me her neighbor was getting rid of a shelf and asked it I wanted it. I'd been considering buying a couple nicer shelves for a while (and I still had a couple boxes that just didn't quite fit.), so of course I said yes.
This shelf is 7 feet tall and 3 feet wide, huge. When it's sitting there without shelves it feels like a doorway... wish I knew where it went.
I still haven't quite finished figuring out what books go where, and some of the books are still going to have to be stacked two deep, but it'll be great to have them all out so what I want can be found. This'll also be useful for when Katia wants to find something to read. Every once in a while when she comes into my room since I got my books she'll get distracted looking to see what I have.

9. Boring

I'm boring.

Hopefully so far you don't actually think so, but I am. I rarely have anything to say. I'll think back over great conversations that have happened when I hang out with friends and recall that I said maybe one sentance.

Back in college I emailed back and forth with a friend on campus and at some point we determined my topic switch was broken. (His might have been too, we were always arguing about who's turn it was to think of something to talk about.) I don't know if it was broken before college, but it hasn't been fixed yet.

How does someone become interesting? I'm not sure this is a problem I can fix. I don't want to just learn a bunch of things to spout off and "impress" (or more likely annoy) my friends. I don't know that I'll ever be quick to think of things to talk about...

Well, if you have the answers, pass them on.


[I'm not sure why I never came back before and mentioned this, most likely because no one reads my blog. :) Anyhow, Marshall posted a pretty awesome series on How to be Interesting at his bondChristian site quite a while back.]

8. A small sign I'm from Oregon

So, I decided to sit on my balcony, 'cause sometimes it's just nice to sit outside. (I'm happy I finally have a chair out there, my lawnchair is buried in my old roommates storage space.) Why I decided to sit out there at midnight I don't know. I should be asleep. Ah well, that has little to do with the main thought of the post. It decided to start raining, and the reason this is a small sign I'm from Oregon isn't just because it was raining.
For some reason the combination of being outside but not getting wet made me wish I was camping. I haven't gone camping in ages, couldn't afford to go or get time off the last few times my friends went and my dad doesn't care much for camping so my family doesn't go. (I'm speaking of tent camping at campsites with bathrooms... RV's and trailers= not camping. Afraid I don't do any "real" camping where there are no bathrooms and no people. Mayhaps someday.)
So, back to my reasoning... I apparently have been camping too much in the rain if the rain makes me think of camping.
(I was tempted to sleep out on the balcony, but decided the sun would wake me up much to early or I'd get too wet.)

7. Wait, I should be...

Praying.

As I checked my email tonight I was reminded again how lousy my prayer life is. I receive the church prayer chain through email and on it was an update from my mom about my grandpa's surgery that happened today. (My mom knows I get the prayer chain so she doesn't have to tell me also.) The thing is, it hit me that people in my church are praying (at least, I assume some people do pray about things on the prayer chain!) for my grandpa, and I haven't.

Prayer is a struggle for me. I don't know how people do it....

6. Lonely

I'm lonely.
I just feel like telling someone besides God at the moment, maybe to give myself the illusion that at least someone out there may care. I may be an evil blogger at some point and tell you all about how lonely I am and why I'm lonely and such, but tonight it will just help me a little if I say "out loud" that I'm lonely.
I wonder, as I noticed my poem-thing before, if you could already guess I was lonely by the poem. There's some line in there about being lonely. I dunno.
I guess this is just one of those days. [shrugs]

5. Silly poem

A constant noise in the background

Crying out to be heard

A voice whispering across your conscience

This isn't what you deserve

It's absurd that you won't listen

Don't say it isn't true

That whoever admits they're lonely

Living lies that can't be proved

Amaze the living creatures

With your poetic poetry

And confuse the reasonable dreamers

With your constant unvariety

All praise the Lord Most High

All honor to His name

Avoid the noise and the whisper

Cling to this one thing

That only God most High

Can ever know your name

Just thought I'd post this. Found it in one of my notebooks, along with the notes at the bottom: "Huh? Why do I write? I'm afraid to read it again. It's probably pretty absurd. But hey- at least I wrote something." It is a weird poem, though there are a few lines I like, but mostly it's just weird. Probably the oddest thing about it to me is the way I started talking about praising God at the end. Not that there is anything weird about praising God!

4. Loay

Daoy nroh ehp zi ojlij lam. :)

3. Why the blog

So, if anyone is reading this, you may be wondering why I really started a blog if I don't intend to tell people I have a blog. (See first post.) Well, I did tell one person, but as he's an online friend that doesn't really count.
Well, most likely you don't care, but since it's my blog and there is probably nobody reading it, I can write about what I want. (You may be thankful I have to leave for work in 20 minutes.)
I'm not really a blogger mostly because I can't write and think while online and on the computer. (I am copying something already written on paper, it's sad.) However, sometimes I'd like to get my thoughts out where people could read them. I just don't want the people I know to read them. You know what I mean? I guess I want the me- the real me and the me I want me to be to show- instead of the fake, apathetic me.
Anyhow, reading a blog (by someone I don't know, linking from another blog of someone I don't know, linking from someone's sorta blog that I sorta know), well, she has some inspiring blogs and it made me feel like I should be writing one too. (of course, this is silly since I'm unlikely to blog anything inspiring or all that interesting) Or maybe it's the fact that I owe God (don't ask, I know there's no such thing as bargaining with God) and this could help fulfill it leans on my mind, but mostly I think I just want a place to alternate between showing off and being "real" with the chance of changing lives- without the people I know knowing I'm "not really me".
It's ridiculous. What would I blog about? The everyday stuff? The life altering stuff that hasn't altered my life?
That is, I have a tendency to be apathetic in most of my life, but I'm actually afraid to stop being so because then other people might realize how really apathetic I am. Ouch?
Therefore, I guess the point of the blog is to make me express my opinions and thoughts, to be bolder in my beliefs and my goal is to carry this over in my actions and reactions.
And if anyone read that and cares, yay. :)
And if anyone doesn't, that shouldn't effect the results (if there are any.)
Well, off to work go I. [sigh] Cya!

2. It's not my fault!

Okay, so maybe it could be... most likely it is, but I really can't prove it either way.
I was supposed to go with friends over to the coast today to visit Lele (names changed for... whatever, etc. etc.) since she's over there studying for a term at Hatfield Marine Science Center and we miss her. We were to leave the church at 9am.
At approximately 6:11 this morning I woke to a faint knocking sound. I wasn't certain whether it was my roommate doing something or someone at the door, or someone knocking at the next door. I got up after it continued a while to check if my roommate was up and here (she gets up early to run) and after determining that she was I used the bathroom and went back to sleep figuring she must be making the noise.
I woke up a little after 10 when Katia came home. I don't know what happened to my alarm (set for 8am), I don't recall it going off. She said my sister had called her since she couldn't get ahold of me (why would my cell phone be on, I was sleeping and had no plans to wake up until my alarm went off.) ... Katia had misread my schedule and thought I was working today so she had no idea. She said that it hadn't been her making noises, there was some guy knocking on the door that she didn't know, apparently he and his friend we're parking down next to my car (in a non-parking spot) with license plates from arizona... she didn't open the door so this'll remain a mystery.
So... we can blame my alarm, we can blame the guy waking me up so I used the bathroom too early, we can blame Kale for introducing me to a new webcomic so that I stayed up too late reading.
Ah well... at least I got a couple things done today instead of hanging out with friends.

1. Just hello for now

I should be asleep, but I feel that if I'm going to start a blog, I should at least say hello. After all, being the non-blogging sort (I think), and a procrastinator, who knows when I'll write next. This is one reason why at this point I don't plan to tell anyone I know that I have a blog. Maybe after a while, if I actually blog consistently, I will. Maybe not. I'll tell you (will anyone ever read this if I don't tell anyone I have a blog?) later.
Anyhow, hello. Sweet dreams.